Devonian Festivals All Up in Your Face!

Devonian Festivals all up in your festi-face

Hey fun chimps!

Here I am to fling some absolute laugh turds your way…metaphorically, of course.

This latest instalment has the filthy theme of festivals of a Devon based nature running throughout its core.

Firstly one must declare that one’s retched self-spent the duration of these modern excuses for casual flannel-esque weekends of false hedonism…as a market trader! Like an absolute sell out, sure, I’m going to plug away here…especially after freshly launching the new website…for all of the knowledge you seek punch in www.figureitoutphotography.co.uk or punch the chuffer into facebook.

 

Plymouth Volksfest, a tantalising tasty little festivals based on the notion of life on the road in some sort of variation of Volkswagen automobile…yet the festival however could almost do with its name changing to Plymouth People with a Limited Wallet & Vocabulary Fest. Although boasting quite the dreamy musical line up including Blog favourite (may have excitedly informed you of before) Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer!!! Mad Dog McCrae…Sure. Countless others relative South West music scene ‘Names’ finely crafting their sounds and skills to highly intoxicated yet appreciative audience.

A strangely enjoyable weekend was had by team Figure It Out! Photography once the ropiest fair weather only Marquee £50 smackers on eBay with free delivery can buy a young rascal had been bodge jobbed to an absolute art form. On a final count of 27 attempts ranging from physically attaching a guide rope to neighbouring traders key cutting van to utilizing skills from boy scouts i.e. gaffer taping sturdy sticks onto flaky metal shearing with every breeze. Oh not to mention picketing an entire fence as an anchor…Pppbah!

 

Onto LemonFest…oh Lemonfest, my little piece of summer perfection what a dream you truly were. After binning the nosher of a Marquee for a weather hardened Transit, instantly adopting the feel of being the long lost love child of Derek trotter, a largely unavoidable consequence of selling stuff from/around a van. Again perfect Devonian sunshine washed over us like summer which was actually longer than a Tuesday afternoon! With some absolute musical finds coming in the delectable shapes and forms of Ekul’s House, Owen Penrice & The Kingskins not to mention the fittest and most adorable ginger topped acoustic female on the planet Lucy Rose, on voice alone, she’d be able to launch a freshly creamed turd into an audience… and nobody would move a muscle purely transfixed almost paralysed by harmonic brilliance.

 

Another noteworthy mention going to that of the sheer existence of Vimto Candy Sprays which instantly mug your brain right off thinking thirst has been clenched yet only providing a largely sugar based coating of the tongue.

Finally… you can almost relax, Devon I’d like to congratulate you on your ever growing list of incredible summer festivals, celebrating & gatherings of a joyous nature ranging in taste, style & scale…long may such organised summer vibed skull duggary continue.

Readers allow the festival season to touch you whether appropriately or not in the most sensual and spiritual of ways imaginable…whatever you choose to attend this summer….friggin’ enjoy it!

Huge thanks to the continuous support of A Kick Up The Arts without whom the above experiences simply would not have been.

A Clockwork Orange To Beach Polo

Apologies Flithbags!

I genuinely intend to update y'all sooo much more regularly than this, the very essence of this bleedin' blog is to tell the stories of a frolicking funster in Devon aspiring to carve his path in life every time a story rears its fruity head....almost weekly. Yet auld father time fingers me in the metaphorical writers bum! I hate it so.

Since we last danced this absolute slow jam of a dance we've two bank holidays and relative sunshine! Consider this Bank Holiday Tales - Part Uno.

Now the first bank holiday of the month was spent as follows; dressed as a massive cultural sexual offender definitely on the list for multiple offences, hopefully largely flashing rather than anything serious.

Firstly came another absolute blast from Kinky & Quirky and show to celebrate all things geek, Sci-Fi & sexy 'May the 4th Be With' Burlesque & Boogie at the English Riviera Centre, Torquay. Headlining was the genius Gentleman Rhymer, pioneer of Chap Hop Mr.B!!! Check this; http://www.gentlemanrhymer.com/ as even i don't possess the words to describe just how good this guy is! Now the rapey element comes with the fact that my drogues and I spent the entire evening dressed the cast of A Clock Work Orange, your maybe thinking COP OUT! Don't....this piece of cinematic mastery is recognised as the 4th best Sci-Fi Movie this world has produced...hence the cultural aspect of the weekend. Yet, one can disappointingly inform, no "Bit of the old in-out, in-out" for me.

The following day contained further dress up as absolute historic sex pests....Pirates! To be exact, the Brixham Pirate Festivals World Record attempt at creating the worlds longest pirate conga line...the port basked in 1980s pirate licked disco glory...mostly as its easy to break a record when your the first to attempt the chuffer. I'll confess we joined and fighted for the noblest of pirate traditions "The right to fight, for the right....to run away" J.Sparrow (1827) There's certainly something soul satisfying for a chap from the South West to fully indulge in a day full of piratical activities such as staggering around bashing all sorts of sword against anyone & anything, surrounded by a world looking the part.

A personal venture of Mine with Figure It Out! Photography, check & FB 'Like'; https://www.facebook.com/#!/FigureItOutPhotography

 

Took me into a world brilliantly madder than a bag of frogs attached to a jet ski....Devon Geek Nights= Wowsers....these guys know how kick it geeky! A juicy little monthly event held on the outskirts of Exeter in The Golden Pond Chinese Restaurant & Bar, Caution this event contains those who are serious about chosen topic and a challenge to their knowledge may result in a lengthy Dr.Who or worse lecture - Re-enactments - An Awesome buffet which is likely to broaden your waistline - Amazing Kapow! vibed prizes. Great show all round! Confirming once more....i know nothing about Star Wars, nor do i wish to!

 

Finally for this week, sure i attended the annual champagne licked & filthy rich enthused annual Beach Polo Exhibition, held on the sands of Watergate Bay, Newquay. The sun shone, the horses or 'Ponies' as the absolute British Sargent Major type commentator referred affectionately to them as pounded the sands as if they actually knew what was going on....all to the fine reggae reggae sauce sounds of the Back Beat SoundSystem! Shamazingly these chuffin' 'ponies' genuinely seemed to wince at exactly the right to avoid an absolute clobbering in the chops...most of the time. Even with an occasional spot casual animal cruelty, quite the spectacle backed up by a sexual Atlantic sunset.

 

Stay tuned as next week...I'll give a right royal review of filthy festivals & my trading experiences at... for the time being indulge yourselves in this word smithery whilst i scrubby some of the mud outta me inner loins.

It's Only Bleedin' Iron Fest!

Bloggers...bloggers, my beeeautiful blightful bloggers.

Please don't rise up against me......yet one is about to (actually for the first time) use this sacred Blogspot as a promotional/sales tool! I've inflicted a deep & infectious wound and i can only humbly hope you'll forgive me!?

Yet, my reasoning harnesses great excitement & should prove informative for all Iron Fest attendees or all those pondering..... what the rash is this Iron Fest!

IRON FEST... promises to be Exeter's best night of the year....ever...so far! That good! April 10th shall be ever tattooed & pierced into the membrane of it's attendees, for all of the right reasons.

A Strategically placed & calculated hype creating comic vibed, fan boy aimed, Film festival utterly dedicated to that absolute genius scallywag wild child Iron Man.

Whats involved you saaaay??? ...Red Carpet Arrival... Paparazzi Greeting (to include both local Press, Photographers & Radio)... Special Iron Man Arrival Cocktail... a naughty 20 minutes to Marvel (...little Joke?) at the absolute sexual & sensational special exhibits taking place; Vintage Motor.... Huy Treong - Superhero Sketching extraordinaire.... No Guts No Glory - Homemade Comics, Zines & Original Art pieces... Moving Pictures - Devon's Masters of Movie Memorabilia...TBClub - Alternative & Tattoo inspired T-Shirt Hero's... Figure It Out! Photography - A Retro, Nostalgic & Alternative Exhibit where old toys are the models.

The Cinematic Event that paved the way for all Superhero's to be edgy, sexy & filthily cool Iron Man 1 in all of its glorious technicolour !

With a film that punishingly good, you'll need not only physiological refreshments yet refreshments of the musical soul. Provided by South Devon's latest Best in show, Poster Child ! Musically making love directly to your lobes with an eclectic & hedonistic mix of originally produced tunes & an alternative take on some familiar tunes too!
 Not to mention the prize giving of competition winners (Best Dressed & Spotted - See Facebook page for full details), browsing of the delectable exhibits & wares... flippin' Photo Opportunities for Fun!

To return to the auditorium for Iron Man 2, another monumental journey into Tony Stark's brilliant yet bonkers brain & bizarre world.

After ALL of that... well Iron Fan's you will be left both wishing you were millionaires you had been forced to build a weapons suit to flee from a sweaty cave, orrrrrr simply chomping at the ruddy bit, waiting for what will seem like the longest fortnight in the world for the big release of Iron Man 3! The first post Avengers cinematic exploration.

Dress Code; All Things Iron Man.
Arrival Time 6:25 PM - April 10th.

Exeter... Your welcome! Devon... Your Welcome! Universe... i wish you well.

To buy your tickets Click Here!

For all the gossip, announcements,photo's & competitions Click Here! or Even Here!

Comic Conventions to West African Sounds of Heaven!

Riiight ya Bloggin' Blighters!

Very much the flavour of the month is all things Pow! Boom! Even Kapow! Can i hear a "Jeepers Batman!?"

Comic Conventions! These weird & wacky gatherings of all things Nerdy,underground & costumed capers have long been an area of the eventing world I've long desired to attend yet until now have not dabbled my dirty little mitts. Boy... I'm sure glad I've dabbled! In fact no longer shall one dabble yet utterly dive into this murky, socially awkward & slightly Body Odour smelling world, bloomin loves it!

Firstly along came February's Exeter Expo and my first venture into such strange animated waters, whilst exhibiting for promotional (reasons to be explained a little later) my immediate worry was my wallet, being an absolute Man-Child and being surrounded by Memorabilia, Comics, Art Prints & Toys from ALL of my favourite things... in my absolute chuffin' element! My eyes could barely contain themselves whilst my hands wanted to explore a whole host of wildly attractive items from Bat-a-rangs to frightfully costumed females, it was all too much! Unsurprisingly for regular readers, my souvenir from this delightful day was two Pin Up inspired naughty'n'nudey sketchbooks! They're not pervy... simply artistic!

Last summer, yours interestingly truly spent some time getting right filthy & mucky at the WOMAD Festival, performing a whole manner of duties, yet whilst Talent Spotting of a musical sort, my ears danced & withered with joy to the absolute cultural exchange/ collaboration of Joe Driscoll & Sekou Kouyate. The mash up of Joe Driscoll's NYC vibes & acoustical twanging & occasional beat boxing lyrics wonderfully blended with the West African feel & sounds of Sekou Kouyate's magical fingers upon the most impossibly stringed instrument, the Kora left all with a sensation of being refreshed and musically cleansed against the actual summer sunshine blazing the fields of the sexual hippy gathering. So as you can imagine after spotting a sly ickle poster for an Exeter Gig, one had to sit down to hide obvious musical arousal (I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a sex pest hippy). The same songs performed to a similar audience- a tantalising mix of middle aged well to do, world music lovers & those who probably grew up in a greenhouse seldom watered, with the same mesmeric outcome!

Following on from the Exeter Expo came the next nerdy step, Birmingham's MCN Comic Convention, with a NEC flaaaaavour!

Highlight of the day (which there were many) had to be the Queue! Without sounding brilliantly British, never has an organised singular line format been that much fun! With every other individual dressed as they're favourite character whilst being both entertained and ridiculed by actual look-a-likes! This is a serious world certainly not to be scoffed at labelled as a childish bunch of people, these geeks mean business! Costumed freaks in my eyes have never looked so good...especially the females, if your into anything which may fall into a Sci-Fi bracket & single get yourself along with male bravado at the ready, you'll scoop up! Unless of course all you do is play computer games 24/7 & costume conceptually create, then privately get in touch I'd be happy to play wing man.

One quarm, is the over-riding  wave of Animee & Manga characters, yes they look great yet creepily embody everything that is largely odd outta Japan....stranger still is when you witness 30+ British teens Dancing in perfect time to a host of 'hits' from Japanese Cartoon Pop bands.... at this point, such behaviours make me want to flee from the scene straight back to silicone chest infested 'Glamour Zone' a land that comfortable Bra's forgot, a land where cleavage seemed to last longer than this winter! A land where nipples straddle the border line of visibility from second to second with every diaphragm flex! A land where any Female who at some point in time may have ever falshed her falsely enhanced chest within the realms of debatable popular culture...exhibits her...exhibits, leaving those who suffer with sweaty plams to sweat even more!

Readers... on that somewhat questioningly stimulating thought, until the next time Bat-Fans, dust off your finest Lycra tights and take to the rooftops as comic justice must be served in such bleak times!

Deepest Darkest Winter... From Vigorous Finger Snaps to Homo Trains!

My deepest n' darn est apologies go out to each and every one of you for my absolute 2013 Blogger no-show....now take your hands out of pants, it's not an itch, its an infection!

Lets Blogg!

With my last article and all round journalistic Gizz i left you getting all friggin' festive. So to get fully cosy and win some absolute smoothie points, myself and the cuddle beast went daaaan to the Plymouth Pavilions for The Overtones. Those guys!!! ...That guy with the deepest sexiest voice in the world! The speakers must pretty much pinned down as his voice of pure dark velvet fires through! Singing classic love songs new & old alike in melodic styles of old, reminiscent to the Four Seasons, even Bruno Mars of late, these guys make slick look scruffy. My only criticism, being Bristol Mike within the band, who puts that extra bit of vigour into every single foot slide of finger click, which you may think aaahhh shut ya silly trap up, but once noticed against the other chaps...unnoticeable! However, i want to be an overtone! Partially gay for them, even mike the aggressive clicker!

Burlesque sleepover you saaayy??? For Christmas you saaay?!?(Yes....Sarge...YES!)
A seasonal slap around the chops of all things naughty, festive and a whole world of jingling belles! Now there is truly no need for me to give you the full low down, as regular visitors to this page (i encourage you to spend less time on the net) you fully appreciate how good Kinky & Quirky's Burly Q Devonian Romps actually are.Alongside the UK's leading Dita Von Tease Tribute, an intoxicating Russian turned Californian Essex comedic sexual Phoo Phoo Scrating Genius, a Christmas tree with exposing breasts and an informed take on classical music, comes this.... The major learning point from this delightful and charismatic event is that if you've never seen or heard Mr.B The Gentleman Rhymer....your a twonk! You Tube the champion and leading light within the very tweed world of Chap Hop right now! This folks i assure you....will educate, enlighten & expose you to an unparallelled delight. Can't rate this performer highly enough...not that i need to, with one of his next booking being the BRIT Awards after-party....what a room that shall be!

Standard fresh new years vibes have bitten every fun loving and yearning bit of me.....the standard stinking January response....The Theatre.

The last few months at The Princess Theatre, Torquay have been an elaborate eclectic mix to say the very least. Firstly came The Rocky Horror Show...we all know what utter madness that embodies, as if a swirling majestically transsexual tropical storm hits! Every time the brainchild of the very same presenter of the crystal maze, consistently delivers with its wonderful yet cring worthy mix of appalling behaviour and the maddest plot ever....always absolute diiiirty chuckles. Who knew....that seeing Roxanne Pallet from TV getting kissed on the tuppence by an Alien Tranny would so chuffing enjoyable!

Then came the skating trains of a retro future....the starlight express. Never in all of my event attending days i have i experience such striking staging and innovative use of technology combined into and at the very core of quite an old timer of a show.....on bleeedin' roller skates. An all round amusing take on the modern world, classic stereo-types and homosexuality....that right homosexuality! Firstly...try making a man look like a train....not easy, an even tougher task create said character(s) to at any point available insinuate wave after wave of highly strung homosexual air humps right into the membrane. A task this show perfects. Yet somehow its a winning formula; Roller Skates + Emotive Naff Music + Mode of Humanised Public Transport + Highly Homo Innuendo = Right Royal Raging Romp fest of Musical!

I'll leave you to digest this emotional dribblesque torrent of linguistic waffle and to contemplate as to whether or not you've just experienced a new artistic yet deformed version of the English tongue.

Until the next time readers..... if your going for a paddle, make sure you wear wellies (especially you chaps!).

Mumford & The Machine To Florence & Sons

Festive Greetings my little Love Puppets!

Here i am once again to spread my fun filled juices all over your thirsty filthy faces with your sinful quest for knowledge and life enrichment...your outrageous....the lot of ya!

I've found myself in the unusual social situation this month of having to be almost and i strongly stress almost being,dare i say sensible....the very word makes me coil in anger! What with that heavily overweight Chap and his questionable jingle bells just around the corner, one has been selective this month with my much sought after attendance.

GIGS....Glorious Gigs in right royal full frontal non-nudity technicolour all up in your faces!

First came the rafter shaking, floor pummelling, Devonian folk fest and the first date on Mumford & Sons UK tour! Admittedly the tour itinerary made for amusing reading from the LA Bowl to the Princess Theatre, Torquay! Not only had this magical coupling of venue and act got me right dirty excited all the way down through the loins, it's audience also had the silliest of times adjusting to Theatre etiquette whilst Gigging....how inquisitively queer!

After the absolute drama of queueing up in the howling conditions a good month beforehand in my lustful quest for tickets which failed me so gravely, thanks to a well placed source, i had my mucky paws all over a ticket. The whole show was a real dream with the band obviously and genuinely pleased to be once again playing to a home crowd right in bleedin'Blighty! As the those dreamboat Folk loving Londoners smashed their way through hit after hit their apparent joy of playing to a more intimate crowd was warm,tingling and touching in best ways in which you can keep your clothes on! The heralding highlight of this farmyard feeling feast came in unexpected fashion, the unplugging of all electronic equipment save one lusius beam of light, whilst all Mumfords & their chuffing Sons sang acapella. The requested silence while they chirped through this actual once in a lifetime moment was well adhered to, all but a few real bacon rashers, upon the final line the roof and very foundations of the proud old theatre infrastructually soiled its grand old pants, the applause was ridiculously raucous! Mumford & Sons feel free to pop back to the Bay of Screams'n'Dirty Dreams anytime ruddy time you like...pleeeease!

 Next on the agenda...that right flame haired minx Florance & all her Machines playing the cowsheds of all cowsheds.....never has a Cowshed held host to such a jolly eclectic mix! What an evening it twas...from the enormous 1920's Art Deco interactive ever-changing screens.....to Flo and her angelic down right diiirty ghostly manner of belting out hit anthemic dreams. It was as if we had all journeyed into the vacant minds of a 1920s vintage gentry Cow, as the gentleman of the fields dreamt of his brilliant beefy heaven as Florence & all of her Machine serenaded him tenderly to a steakhouse near you. All in all a wonderful wavering anthemic passage to a spacey hedonistic cowshed full of ringing ears and dreams. Florence your a flame headed, feisty, Full Lunged, Amazingly tall musical goddess and i hear by thank you for a frightfully fruitful show.....I'd love to see her fruits. Big Hands....usually means one thing on gal....testicles! It shall not be said not on my watch...take it back you.....yooou utter bumbling baboooon!

Before i cause any further controversy with my naughty nonsense and my outright linguistically loitering, allow me this chance to express my whole hearted festive fully functional feelings of fruitful and frightful friskiness to one and all......and Gawd Bless Robin Hood! See your Chuff Chasers in the new year...mmmwwwah!

Ginger Dreadlocks to a Complete Crotch Full of Cream!

Elo...elo....ellooooooooo!

Its been a little while since my last entry, so i thought I'd come along and spank right around the chops with another awful assault on the senses.... my outrageous wranglings! Your probably thinking `oh yeah another one of these full of life wide boys, chirping up with how busy he is all the time!' Although in thinking such dreadful thoughts you'd be largely spot on, also slightly misguidedly too. Things i';m afraid readers have got a little tamer of late......gaaaasppp! Horror this could be Novembers only post..... before the absolute flurry of funsies' in the depths of December.

To business then. Gigs are the flavour of the month my little gossip hungry hounds of happiness. First up was a evening of wonderment at Exeter University's Great Hall with old hippy, `I'm gonna hug everybody' Newton Faulkner. The man.... to be frightfully honest........is an absolute Ginger Wet Dream! The things that chap can do with a guitar, lyrics and even ad-libbing during some more tender moments are ruddy untold! I'm personally always baffled with how shy singers/musicians are when it comes to the simple act of talking, they warble and sing the roof off like a right mutha'licker, yet a ickle bit of chitty chatter over a mic stand....utterly awkward....usually. Yet here with Captain Dreadlocks Faulkner....I'd more than happily pay just for Story time with Newton. True to form a journey through his body of works was an absolute musical experience, one leaving you wanting to hug the heck outta everybody! Potentially the most underrated artist to ever grace our baffling British music scene?

My foooooooking favourite time of year.....Halloween!!! As an honest and up-standing chap, raised within the frameworks of religion, i know i shouldn't get so excited.....the paranormal scares the chuffing chuff juice right out of all exit holes even some entry ones too! But it's that one night of the year when everybody makes the effort with the old theming and dress up, which is certainly not anything to pass on. Overly Obviously, i spend my Halloweens with those little rascals Kinky & Quirky (The South West's Finest Burly Q Providers), this year again was the turn of the Batman Villains. Full Cast; Bane, Mr.Freeze(ME), Two-Face, Scarecrow, Riddler, Harley Quinn, Catwomen, Batwoman, Poison Ivy...admittedly we had two Catwomens, but we certainly had a lesser one! Any night with K&Q is an absolute dream and for most unless your an absolute deviant of a devilish kind, a journey into the jaw achingly unexpected! As ever, it bloomin' was.....from a Zombie blood dribbling Alice in nothing vaguely like wonderland to the artist mostly known as Prince Muff Diving a fellow performer for a face full of whipped cream....to the sexually charged track....yep, you guessed it....Cream. Yet for all the exotically exciting efforts of those to grace the stage, on a Halloween night with K&Q, it's those attending who really bring their A-games, frightening frivolous fancy dress all up in your face!I'd go as far as saying no other establishment would compete on such a night, the collaboration and freedom by forging Halloween twisted Burly Q outfits is to put it mildly, mostly genitalia stirring!

Another Gig you say???...phhorrr...bwahhh....gigs again...well i never?!?!? Said the 1850's General.
Trumpets Please!?!?!?! Cause it's only a right royal triumphant foot stomping, folk faced, darkly deep Devonian homecoming of Ben Howard! Boy...that boy can play! With his mix of mesmerically chilled freshly released Burgh Island EP tracks and usual classics which leave you wanting to either snuggle into a big pair of udders or lick the very soul of the person next to you....the guy was on top form. Along with his band, all were obviously right horny to be playing their biggest Gig on home Devonian soil to date....as much as he brought the brilliance the crowd soaked it right up, right up em' in fact! To close the show with a Devonian flag around his neck like a heroic local freedom folk fighter truly struck a chord with his adoring and devouring fans.
Ben Howard....Devon made him so creaming....and musically dreamy!

Quickly now.... go and make yourself a cup of tea like a good chap....sit down again....and breathe! Don't worry it's all over and everything will work out just right.....you'll see. That's all I've got for so far for this nauseating and narky nosh off November....until the next time civilians..... pretend all of this was an innocent dream....and that scratchy feeling deep within your loins was my fingernails!

I'll leave with that tantalising thought.

 

Team Scream.